Thursday, September 25, 2008

Just call me Little Miss Muffett

So, the other day, Dean was ready for his afternoon snack, which usually consists of some type of home-made fruit puree. We sit at the table, like at mealtimes, and enjoy our snack together. (I usually have a soy yogurt or some dried fruit.) On this particular day, the weather was GORGEOUS. It was about 80 degrees with a nice, cool breeze. I decided it would be nice to turn the AC off and open the back door while Dean and I sat and had our snack so he could look out at the yard. Well, I got him set up in his highchair, pulled back the curtain, opened the door and came face to, uh, legs with this:

This photo does not do it justice. This was the biggest, ugliest, scariest spider I have EVER seen. (And growing up in the deep south, I've seen a LOT of spiders.) Y'all, it had HAIR. And big pincher teethy things. I flipped out, closed the door and stood there marveling at the size of the web, wondering if the thing would stay put until Marcus got home to kill it. Then I did what any genteel southern woman would do...I called my daddy. Only my mom answered the phone.
Here's how the conversation would have gone if DAD had answered:
JEN: Daddy, there's a BIG, HAIRY, ICKY spider outside my door and I'm sure he's going to eat Dean and me.
DAD: Oh, poooooooooor giiiiiiiiiiiirl. Call Marcus right now and tell him to come home! You're far too pretty to kill a big, hairy spider! If he can't get there soon enough, I'LL come get it for you! (which, ok, would never happen, because he hates spiders, too, but go with me here.)
JEN: Thanks, Daddy, you're the best!
DAD: And you're pretty! Tell Deano his Papa loves him!

Here's the conversation between my mom and me:
JEN: Mom, there's a BIG, HAIRY, ICKY spider outside my door and I'm sure he's going to eat Dean and me.
MOM: (emotionless) Kill it.
JEN: Did you hear me? It's BIG and HAIRY. It might eat us. I'm pretty sure it will. ME and DEAN.
MOM: So kill it.
JEN: ??????
MOM: Don't you have some bug spray? You ARE back in the south, you know.
JEN: Um, yeah, I think so.
MOM: Then grab it and kill the thing!
JEN: But I can't leave the baby alone. I'll just wait til Marcus gets home.
MOM: It's right outside the door. You can still see the baby. Put the phone on speaker and I'll talk to Dean and you KILL THE SPIDER.
JEN: Fine.
Jen puts phone on speaker. Grammy starts to sing "Baa Baa Blacksheep" to Dean. They giggle together. Jen glares at them, bug spray in hand. Jen opens door, realizes that she cannot close it AND get out without hitting spider web face first. Tells mom this. Is told to go around. Wishes Marcus would miraculously come home early, even though he has no transportation. Goes around, sees spider, squeals, sprays the EVER-LOVING HECK out of spider and web. Spider scurries up to outdoor light fixture. Jen blasts fixture with spray. Spider's movements get slower and it starts to turn a funky gray color. Jen squeals again, all the way back inside.
MOM: Did you kill it?
JEN: I think so. It turned gray when I sprayed it.
MOM: You'd better knock it down with a broom and step on it.
JEN : What if it has babies!?!? Remember that time I killed one on our porch and baby spiders shot out of it? That was gross!
MOM: Get the broom and knock it down and step on it. Then knock the web down.
JEN: Woops, gotta go, Dean needs his snack.
MOM: Knock the web down.
JEN: Will do, thanks a lot! Love ya! Bye!

Ok, so maybe that's a TAD exaggerated, but you get the picture. Anywho, Marcus came home and we went out to check on the thing. IT WAS STILL ALIVE. So he, at my mother's urging, knocked it down with a broom and stepped on it.


Post-script: In my defense, I feel I should point out that I'm not always this girly. Almost never, in fact. Remember the time I moved all the way to NY? Or the time I had a baby? Or built things with tools? Yeah. Keep that in mind. ;)


Anonymous said...

Okay,it was a really huge spider. I had no idea it looked like that or I'd have told you to run and hide. I'm so sorry! I would have come and killed it for you if I'd known it was that big and gross!


SSU said...

I am not girly either, but bugs and spiders lead to that sort of reaction from me too. They are just gross. THe worst for me was the time I found AJU5 eating a bug at my parents house - GROSS! Luckily I got her to spit it out quickly.

Heather said...

You know, it's funny...I got the same reaction from my mom when I told her about the huge spider living in my car port. She said "Just step on it". Yeah, no big deal, right - except it was the size of my FOOT! (maybe not, but I swear it felt like it at the time...not to mention it was in the air and I was NOT knocking it down and taking a chance of it landing on me!)

Eva said...

EW! I am also a huge wimp about spiders. It's the way they move: fast and totally unpredictable. Yuck. But if it makes you feel better, we had to live through ANOTHER gray, cold, rainy day here so reading about you turning off the AC just for kicks kinda made me green with envy!

Oh and we bought the Britax Roundabout. Megan's small so by the time she's 40 pounds she'll be tall and old enough for a regular booster. If Dean's big go with the one that goes up to 65 lbs like most people with boys seem to do:)

Derek T. Pickens said...
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