JUST BE

That is my motto for 2009. Up until this exact moment in my life, I have, in one way or another, been waiting for "the next step." The next step has been something different with each passing year. For a while it was finishing my education. Then getting a job. Then getting the next job. Then getting promoted. Then getting married. Then having kids. Then watching Dean pass each milestone during his first year. Then buying a house. Then finding something to do with myself now that we've moved and are in our house. And it all happened. And I loved every second of it. And now, I want to sit back and enjoy it.

I really should have warned you about the bad grammar this post would contain BEFORE you committed to reading it, huh?

I'm not a maker of resolutions each new year, but I am a goal-setter. (really, the grammar is horrendous, isn't it?) I tend to set very high standards for myself, then decide that anything less is completely unacceptable. Funny how life sometimes throws a giant monkey wrench at you, huh? If 2008 taught me anything, it was that I have to be patient with myself and accept who I am and what my situation is at this very moment. And for the first time in over a year, I can tell you that today I am completely comfortable in my own skin, completely happy with where my life is right now and very, very excited about the coming months. This leads us to a revelation. (no, I'm not pregnant.) The past year has been, shall we say, rough. I know now that I have been dealing with some sort of post-partum depression and I feel like I'm ready to talk about it, like I need to talk about it. I would not open up about this on my blog normally, especially since I have a lot of readers who don't know me personally, but one of the only things that got me through a lot of days these past few months has been reading blogs. It's refreshing and reassuring to see that other people are going through the same struggles and facing the same challenges. Since moving, we have made a few friends, but none that we've really "clicked" with. I think that also has to do with the fact that we are parents now and our priorities are so different. Sure, we can socialize, but at 8:00, we want to be at home to put our kid to bed. But blogs are there 24 hours a day. Not to say they can replace human companionship, but when you're crying at 10am, your husband's at work and your baby's asleep, they sure can be comforting.

My one request is that my very close family members, who may or may not be aware of the things I talk about on here, do not use the comments section of this blog as an avenue for discussion. Call me on the phone or email me if you want to say something or ask me questions. If it's difficult for you to read these things on my blog, tell me and I'll tell you which entries to skip. It's something I need to share. My story may help someone else feel better and get through one tough day the way my "blog friends" helped me through so many last year. Also, telling about this situation makes me feel better. It's an important part of my life, even though it may be perceived as completely negative, but overcoming it has been wonderful.

As I head into new adventures, like a return to teaching, a new position with our state's theatre conference (!) and my second year of motherhood, I want to take my time and enjoy my life. After all, I've worked very hard to get here. My what-if's and when-that-happenses (again with the grammar!) are now my reality. It's time to just be.